


law of gravity

by connyhascontrol



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, If anything happened to teen Trixie and Katya I would kill everybody in this room and then myself, Lesbian AU, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 10:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16763059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/connyhascontrol/pseuds/connyhascontrol
Summary: Trixie and Katya have been best friends since they were barely teenagers and have stayed best friends despite the distance separating them. What they have is special, Trixie knows that and cherishes it, but they're just friends. She would definitely know it if she was in love with Katya.





	law of gravity

**Author's Note:**

> If you're looking for sweet, dumb lesbians, you've come to the right place! Thank you [Naty](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) for proofreading and constantly bullying me for my inability to write anything short. The title is taken from the song [Gravity by Vienna Teng](https://open.spotify.com/track/4pYag7Qcr2q7U0h6NmfMW9?si=SYtvBwnUQjeKlsnE9wMqqA).
> 
> If you enjoy this, please let me know! I'd love to hear what you think.

Trixie’s phone rings as she’s standing in line at Starbucks and she has to carefully set down a bunch of shopping bags to have her hands free and dig it out of her bag. She’s already late and she doesn’t need this. Her annoyance eases up when she sees the name on the display.

“Hey, you,” she says cheerfully.

“Hi, slut!” comes Katya’s reply at the other end. “How was your date yesterday?”

Immediately Trixie's mood takes a dive again and she groans. “It was the worst two hours of my life, thanks for asking.” 

She is at a point where she is agreeing to meet up with women from Tinder she would have definitely swiped left on a few months ago, but her friends had all told her she was too picky and that she would never find anybody this way. Unfortunately the sudden drop in her standards is obvious when Trixie thinks about the women she’s been meeting in the last couple of weeks.

Judging by the way she sounds, Trixie’s newest date disaster does not take Katya by surprise. 

“Tell me about it!”

The queue in front of her moves and with her foot Trixie pushes her shopping bags forward.

“Well,” Trixie starts, drawing the word out and putting on a fake excited voice, “when I got there she told me that I was bigger than I look in my picture, so that was great!”

Katya gasps into the phone. “She did not!”

“She absolutely did. And I was so taken aback that I didn’t even say that in her profile picture she didn’t have disgusting white people dreadlocks yet.” 

Somebody behind Trixie makes a disapproving sound and she turns around, raising an eyebrow at the woman looking at her with pursed lips, a hand on the shoulder of her probably 12-year-old son. Trixie ignores her and turns around again.

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah. And I told you she didn’t tell me what we were going to do, right? Well, guess what, we went on a  _ hike _ ,” she hisses into the phone. “A fucking hike!” The mother loudly clears her throat and Trixie pretends she didn’t hear, instead she listens to Katya laughing at the other end of the line.

“Who the hell goes on a hike for a first date?”

“I know, right? Especially a surprise hike! Anyway, I was already there so I thought I might as well see how it goes.”

“And how did it go?” Katya asks, her grin audible. 

“Umm,” Trixie pretends to think hard about how she wants to phrase this, “it was a complete shitshow, that’s how it went.”

At that the woman behind her apparently reaches her limit and indignantly says, “Unbelievable!” with a raised voice, obviously hoping to finally get a reaction out of Trixie. She’s worked so hard, so Trixie doesn’t want to disappoint her, takes the phone away from her ear and turns around. 

“Excuse me, ma’am? I’m trying to have a conversation here, could you please keep it down?”

The woman’s face falls in shock, her son snickering by her side, and Katya screaming in her ear with laughter.

Trixie carries on as if nothing had happened. “Anyway, I was wearing heels because I was prepared to go on a  _ date _ and I really tried to walk up that stupid hill but I would have completely ruined my shoes, so I told her this wasn’t working for me. Instead of going, you know, ‘ _ Oh, okay, let’s do something else! _ ’ she went on alone, letting me sit there by the side of the trail and I wasn't gonna wait for her, so I walked back to the road and got an Uber home.”

Katya just laughs, doesn't even pretend she feels bad for her, but Trixie had expected nothing less of her.

“Bitch, you're supposed to support me on my quest for gay love!”

“Oh please, you're a smart, funny, hot blonde. How hard can it be to find somebody in LA willing to fuck you?”

“You know that's not what I want.” 

Trixie has reached the head of the queue, quickly orders and then moves her bags to the side to wait for her coffee.

“You don't know how it is for us singles out there.” She returns to their conversation, but suddenly Katya is quiet at the other end.

“Katya?” Trixie asks, hearing the slight apprehension in her own voice.

“Yeah, about that…” Katya sighs. “Sarah and I broke up.”

Trixie grips her phone stronger. “What? What happened?”

“I don't know, she said it wasn't working for her.”

She doesn't know Sarah well, but Trixie can't imagine that's all she said. Katya doesn't seem to want to talk about it though, so she doesn't push it.

“Are you okay, honey?” she asks instead. She gets handed her drink and quietly thanks the barista, but stays where she is.

“I am,” Katya replies calmly. “More okay than I thought I would be.” She doesn't sound upset, but Trixie is so used to her being bubbly and energetic, that hearing her this flat pains her a little. “It makes me think that maybe she made the right choice.”

Trixie's first instinct is to tell her that that's not true, but she bites it back, knowing it would probably not help at all.

“Wait, aren't you supposed to be at work?” Katya asks suddenly, pulling Trixie out of her stupor.

“Oh! Yes, I'm late, I'm getting coffee, hang on!” She sticks her phone between shoulder and ear, gathers her bags and makes her way out to her car. After wrestling the door open Trixie drops the bags onto the backseat. She finally plugs her phone into the speaker system.

“Okay, I'm back. Yesterday, before the date from hell, Alyssa sent me on a fucking scavenger hunt for accessories and it took me all day to get everything she wanted, so now she can wait until I've had my damn coffee.”

“Oh, that's right, you have a new show opening soon! How’s it going?”

It takes Trixie a moment to answer since she's pulling into traffic, driving towards the costume shop.

“Alyssa's completely lost it, as she always does, but we're on schedule and the costumes are beautiful. It's gonna be good.”

“I'm glad to hear that. I have to go, so I'll let you get to work.”

“Alright. Katya?”

“Yeah?”

“Call me if you need to talk.” Trixie looks at her phone, as if she can see Katya's reaction that way.

“Of course. Always.”

*

“I’m never gonna marry.”

“Never?” Trixie asks with a frown. 

Two of their camp counselors are getting married in a few hours. Of course it’s not a real wedding, but they’re having a ceremony and some of the kids have gotten tasks so they can be a part of it all. Trixie thinks it’s romantic. Katya had pretended she had to throw up when it was announced. So instead of checking if there were any jobs she’d like to do, Trixie had slunk to the back of the room with Katya until all positions were filled.

Trixie tugs on two strands of Katya’s hair to see if they’re the same length. They aren’t, so she snips a little bit off the longer one with the scissors Katya had stolen from the craft supplies and smuggled back to their tent underneath her shirt. 

“Never.” Katya is finally looking straight ahead, after Trixie had cut off a lot more than she had intended when Katya had suddenly turned around to her. 

“I am,” Trixie says with certainty as she brushes through her friends hair. “And he’ll be rich and so handsome and we’ll live in a mansion in Hollywood with our beautiful children. Oh, and I’ll have the fanciest wedding you’ve ever seen.”

“Am I invited, then?” Katya is grinning, Trixie can hear it in her voice.

“Obviously.” With her fingers she arranges single strands of hair, like the hairdressers on TV always do. She doesn’t think it actually does anything.

“I’m done. It’s not totally even, but I don’t think you can tell. It's much curlier this short.”

“Let me see, let me see!” Katya makes grabby hands towards Trixie and she places her little pink hand mirror in Katya’s palm.

She laughs when she looks at herself, with her new not even shoulder-length hair, and rapidly turns her head from side to side, making the curls bounce around her ears.

“I love it!” 

Trixie had waited for the verdict with bated breath. For all her bravado when offering to cut Katya’s hair she had never actually done it for anybody else, just herself, because she hated how her mom cut it all to one length. She had no idea what she was doing, so it’s a relief Katya doesn’t hate her now.

Katya had arrived at camp with two thick braids and when she let them out the hair went all the way down to her butt when pulled straight. Trixie had told her how beautiful it was and Katya had looked confused and thanked her timidly, only a week later whispering into the dark, their sleeping bags side by side, that she despised it and that it was heavy and always in the way, but that her mom wouldn’t let her cut it off. 

“I could do it, if you want,” Trixie had whispered back and Katya had excitedly grabbed her arm.

“Really? Can we do it tomorrow?”

“Sure!” She hadn't told Katya that she still thought it was beautiful and she wished her boring dishwater brown hair looked like the golden waves Katya couldn't wait to get rid of.

They make quite an entrance at the wedding, Katya's short hair getting all sorts of comments, from the younger kids absolutely loving it to one of the counselors being worried about what Katya's parents will say when they come pick her up next week. 

“Oh, they'll absolutely hate it,” Katya answers with a sunny smile.

From day one a group of older boys had been picking on the two of them and Trixie's fear that this would give them new ammunition had been well-founded.

“Ooooh, Zamo looks like a boy!”

“That makes one of us!” Katya yells back, grabs Trixie’s hand and pulls her away.

Trixie thinks that Katya does kind of look like a boy. She is wiry, not a gram of fat on her short frame, whereas Trixie had never lost her baby fat and now at 13 her hips and chest had started to fill out. She likes how she looks. Until now she had just been fat, but she had a growth spurt earlier this year and she thinks she’s started looking like a woman now. She  _ doesn’t _ like how men in public have started looking at her and how at the beginning of the summer her uncle had told her mom Trixie needed to cover herself up when she'd worn a pair of shorts.

Katya doesn't seem to have problems like that, or at least she doesn't seem to care. Trixie has known her for about two weeks and she knows two things for certain: that Katya is the coolest person she has ever met and that she’s already the best friend Trixie's ever had.

*

“Alyssa made me put on and take off three different lace trims on that stupid dress, only to go back to the first one. I hate her.”

“No, you don't,” comes Katya's immediate reply and Trixie rolls her eyes at her image on the screen. She has the laptop open on her bed with the Skype call going while she's painting her toenails a bright blue.

“No, I don't, but she's driving me nuts.”

“What else is new?” Katya isn't even looking at the screen, instead she is frowning at the cookbook in front of her. “I don't think I own a rolling pin. And how thin is very thin, anyway?” she mumbles.

“You can use a wine bottle,” Trixie suggests as she adds a second coat of polish to her left pinky toe. “What exactly are you making?”

“Pelmeni.” Katya is still frowning at the recipe. “They're dumplings filled with beef.” Trixie pulls a face and Katya says without even having seen it, “Oh, shut up, not all lesbians can be vegetarians.”

“And you think they'll be enough to make your parents forgive you for Sarah breaking up with you?”

“I don't know, but it was the best thing I could think of and it's been over a month, they're bound to find out at some point.” She finally looks into the webcam with a defeated look. “I was the one who got dumped! I shouldn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

“That’s true, you shouldn’t. And not just because your cooking is usually inedible and might just make everything worse.” Trixie is a little disappointed when Katya doesn’t even react to the dig at her culinary skills, instead just forcefully closes the cookbook, leans her elbows on the kitchen counter and, with her head resting on her hands, looks straight into the camera.

“They were hoping we would get married one day.”

“I know.” Trixie would like to offer her some words of wisdom and comfort, but she doesn't have any.

“Did you think we would ever get married?” Katya asks, her gaze fixed not on the camera, but on the picture of Trixie on her screen.

“No. Not because I thought you wouldn't work out, but because you never wanted to get married,” Trixie explains. Katya doesn't reply, just chews on her bottom lip with a frown. 

“What's up with you? I've never seen you this hung up on the whole marriage thing.”

“It's not the marriage thing. It's more…” her voice trails off and while she thinks, Katya grabs her laptop so all Trixie sees is a close-up of her sweater before it's placed on the coffee table, Katya folding herself onto the couch cross-legged. “It's more that I always had all these plans of all these things I was going to accomplish and now I'm 28 and all I have is a shitty apartment, a shitty job that I hate and my girlfriend dumped me.”

Trixie sits up straight, blinking in surprise. On the screen Katya looks crestfallen and so small. It's not a sight Trixie is used to. Normally her best friend is full of energy and positivity. Katya has always felt larger than life, but right now life seems to have caught up with her.

“Okay, I'm gonna need you to stop this right now.” Katya looks surprised at Trixie's strict tone. “Your girlfriend dumped you and that sucks, but you'll get over it. And you only live in that shitty apartment because you feel guilty that the job that you hate pays really well.” Katya opens her mouth to argue, but Trixie won't let her. “If you're unhappy where you are in life, then fucking change it! Boston has a lot more to offer than boring PR jobs for corporations you don't believe in.”

When Katya had told her about the job offer a little more than a year ago, Trixie had been extremely sceptical. It was safe, it was boring, it was  _ not Katya _ . But she had taken it because it was the smart thing to do. Sarah had said how proud she was of her successful girlfriend and Trixie hadn't liked any of it, but had kept her mouth shut, because it was not her place to say that she thought it was bound to make Katya miserable. Normally Trixie delights in being proven right, but this isn't fun at all.

“Or even get out of there completely! I know you have money saved up, go somewhere new and do something exciting!”

“Because that worked out so great for you,” Katya says with a lopsided grin and they both know she doesn't mean it. 

Trixie took the plunge four years ago and moved from Milwaukee to LA to become an actress. Needless to say she did not, but she gave it a good try and in the end it led her to her job as a costume shop assistant. After another failed audition she had slouched through the hallways of the theater on her way to the exit and a ridiculously glamorous woman with a thick southern accent had asked her where she got her dress. When Trixie had said she'd made it herself the woman's face had pulled into a calculating smile and Trixie started working for her two weeks later. Originally she thought of it as a job to keep her afloat while she kept auditioning, but after a few months it was clear to Trixie that this was a real career and that she could do very well if she fully committed to it. She doesn't believe in fate, but she firmly believes that good things come to you if you work hard, even if they're not the things you had been looking for.

“I’m serious, what’s holding you there?” 

Before Katya can answer Trixie can hear the apartment door open and through her open bedroom door she sees her roommate Bob kick off her shoes and drop her bag on the couch. Their eyes meet and Bob looks at her with an expression Trixie doesn’t know what to do with. She leans against the doorframe.

“I’ve got news.”

“Oh, hey, Roberta!” Katya greets her over the skype call, even though the laptop is turned away from the door.

“Is that your lesbian life partner?” Bob asks with a smile and Trixie rolls her eyes.

“It’s Katya, yes.”

“Of course it is. Hey, girl!” she greets back. Then her voice gets serious as she looks at Trixie and asks, “Can we talk?”

Katya pulls an exaggerated face. “Oh shit, that sounds ominous, I’m gonna go.” 

“Tell me how it went!” Trixie says and Katya wiggles her fingers in a little wave before ending the call. Trixie closes the laptop and looks up at Bob with an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. “Alright, shoot,” she says with fake cheerfulness.

Bob sits down next her on the bed and looks at her with something like remorse. “I’m moving to New York.”

“What?”

“I found a job there and I can stay with my friend Monet. I start in six weeks.”

Trixie doesn’t know what to say, just blinks a few times and then looks down at her freshly painted toes. The blue goes great with the soft pink of her sheets. She wants to say that it’s unfair and that Bob can’t just leave her. They’ve been living together the entire time Trixie has been in LA and they’re good friends, not just roommates. But Trixie is also aware that Bob is doing exactly what she just told Katya to do. Turns out it doesn’t sound like such a great decision when you’re the one left behind.

“Oh,” is all she can settle on. Trixie puts on a fake smile. “Congratulations!” She  _ wants _ to be happy for Bob, she really does.

Bob grabs her knee. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I didn’t want to make you freak out over nothing, in case it didn’t work out.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to feel bad!”

Bob can see right through her and squeezes her knee. “I’m gonna miss you, I just don’t think I’m meant to be in LA.” Trixie nods and Bob says, “We have over a month, I’ll help you find a new roommate, I don’t want to leave you to deal with all that.”

“Oh please, it’s a somewhat nice and affordable place in LA, I’ll have no trouble finding someone,” Trixie says with an eye roll. “You’ll have enough on your plate with moving. And if you need any help you will let me know!” It’s not a suggestion or a question. They both aren’t huggers, but Bob pulls Trixie to her side with one arm and squeezes her for a moment. Then she frowns. “Didn’t you have a date tonight?”

“She cancelled.” That’s a straight up lie, Trixie was the one who cancelled. She hadn’t really been feeling it anyway and then Katya messaged her, asking if they could skype. But Trixie doesn’t want to tell Bob that, she already makes too many jokes about them behaving like an old married couple.

“Alright then, tell me everything about that fantastic new job!”

*

Trixie presses her eyes closed when she hears the beep letting her know the phone is ringing at the other end. She absent-mindedly wipes tears off her cheeks, as she prays Katya answers soon and the ringing doesn't wake up her parents.

Never before has she been so glad Katya has her own line, a phone standing on her bedside table, that she's spent many hours on when both of them had been supposed to be asleep, Trixie on the cordless phone she had to get from the hallway and then sneak back up to her room silently, while her parents slept down the hall.

“Hello?” finally comes the sleepy reply Trixie has been waiting for.

“Katya.” Trixie has so much to say, but she doesn’t know where to start and as soon as she knows Katya is listening all that seems to come out of her is a new wave of tears.

“Trix? What’s wrong?”

The worry in Katya’s voice makes Trixie’s heart clench. What if tonight is the last time she ever gets to hear that? What if Katya is never going to speak to her again at all?

“I have to tell you something,” she presses out.

“Okay,” is all Katya says and then she’s quiet, waiting for Trixie to get it out.

“I…” she starts, but doesn’t even know how to finish the sentence. She had practiced what to say before dialing Katya’s number, the phone clutched in her hands, sitting on the floor in her room in the corner farthest from the door, whispering to herself, terrified anyone might overhear. She doesn’t remember a single thing she came up with. 

“I…,” she repeats and then sobs. It's such a simple sentence, really, but she can't make herself say it.

“Trixie, whatever it is, it's gonna be okay, I'm here, whatever you need.” Katya's voice is uncharacteristically calm and soft and Trixie knows it's not just because she'd already been asleep.

Forcefully she wipes the tears away, sits up a little straighter and tries to swallow the lump that seems to be lodged in her throat.

“Do you promise?”

“What?”

“Do you promise you're going to still be my friend, no matter what?” Trixie asks insistently, just above a whisper.

“I promise,” comes Katya's reply right away.

Trixie takes a deep breath. There is no turning back now, she knows that, and she needs to tell somebody, thinks she'll go crazy if she has to keep it a secret from  _ Katya _ . 

“I like girls,” she whispers and prays that Katya's heard it because she doesn't think she could repeat it. She had mentally laid out an entire story and a whole lot of background information but she can't make herself say all those words.

It takes Katya a while until she says, “Oh,” quietly and softly and nothing else.

Trixie presses the phone closer to her ear, as if that would put them closer together, as if Trixie isn't sitting in her room in Wisconsin and Katya in hers in Massachusetts.

“Are you mad at me?”

“What? Why would I be mad at you?” Katya doesn't  _ sound  _ mad, just bewildered.

“I dunno,” Trixie picks at the fraying seam of her sleep shirt and sniffles, “because it's like I lied to you.” At least that's how she feels.

“Okay, first of all, that's not something you have to tell anybody if you don't want to. And secondly, how long have you known?”

“I've thought about it for a few months, but I've only been sure since yesterday,” Trixie admits.

“Then you didn't lie! You can't lie if you didn't know yourself!” Despite how she feels Trixie smiles at how absolutely sure and somewhat smug Katya sounds. 

“Okay.” In her hands the fabric is starting to come apart and at the back of her mind Trixie thinks she'll have to hem it tomorrow while her mom is at work. She doesn't want her to worry about having to buy her new clothes. Trixie shakes her head slightly. As if any of that matters right now.

“So you're okay with it?”  _ It _ . She can't even bring herself to say what  _ it  _ is.

“Of course!” Katya reassures her. After a moment of silence she asks, “Are you?”

With a thud Trixie lets her head fall against the wall. “It changes everything,” she says quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“I wanted to get married and have kids! I can't do that now!” The tears start coming again and Trixie wipes them away angrily.

“You don't know that, things are changing! You might be able to marry a woman one day and you can always adopt.”

Trixie makes an unhappy sound. “It's just not how I imagined my life to be.”

“That doesn't mean it's bad!” Katya insists. “You get to imagine your life new. And I'm sure you're gonna find things you didn't even know you wanted!”

Trixie wants to believe that's true, but right now all she can see is her future crumbling before her eyes.

“I've been thinking about this a lot lately,” Katya continues. “About being gay.” She says the word carefully, as if it feels unfamiliar in her mouth.

Trixie frowns. “Why?”

“Because Emily from art class kissed me a few weeks ago.”

“What?” Trixie realizes she's raised her voice and repeats more quietly, “What?”

“Yeah,” is all the explanation Katya offers.

“Why didn't you tell me?” 

“I didn't really know how I felt about it and wanted to figure that out first. And I didn't want, you know, anything to change between us.”

Trixie snorts softly. “I get that.” She really does. “So do you know how you feel about it yet?”

“It was nice, I liked it.”

“How did it feel?” Trixie asks quietly.

“Soft,” Katya replies and Trixie can tell she is smiling. “I'd like to do it again. Not with Emily, though. She's nice, but I don't think I like her like that.”

In her mind Trixie can see it. She doesn't know what Emily looks like, but she imagines Katya with her short hair and sharp cheekbones pressing her lips against those of a pretty brunette with a heart shaped face. An uncomfortable heat rises in her belly at the thought.

“Remember when I told you about kissing Michael from down the street?”

“Yeah?”

“I lied, I hated it. It was wet and his tongue was way too big in my mouth and then he grabbed my ass and I just wanted to disappear.”

“I'm sorry,” Katya says quietly.

“I just didn't want to be the only 16-year-old who's never been kissed,” she admits.

“I'm sure there's lots of those. And you don't have to do things you don't want to just because everybody else does them. And if that means not doing anything with guys ever then that's totally fine.”

“I guess.” Sometimes when they talk Trixie feels like Katya is a lot older than she is. She always knows the right thing to say and she's so much smarter than Trixie.

“Boobs are really nice,” Katya remarks after a moment of silence from both of them.

Trixie presses one hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. “Oh my god, shut up! I can't even think about that.” She had, in fact, been thinking about that  _ a lot _ .

Katya is giggling at the other end as well, but then she gets serious again. “I don't know if I only like girls, I might be bisexual.”

“Yeah, I thought about that too, but I think I only ever liked boys because I was supposed to and I didn't know any better, d'you know what I mean?”

“Yes!” Katya says excitedly. “I've been reading lots of stuff online and that's something that seems to happen a lot. I don't know if that's me, though.”

“You'll figure it out.”

“Yeah. For now I know I like girls and that's pretty cool.”

Trixie doesn't feel quite the same way, but at least talking to Katya has made her feel less like a freak. And she's finally stopped crying.

“I'm glad you told me,” Katya says softly, as if she could hear Trixie's thoughts.

“Me too.” Of all the ways she had imagined this conversation to go, Katya coming out to her in return had not been one. Katya is good at surprising her. Trixie starts picking at the split ends of her bleach blonde hair to give her hands something to do. No matter what she does she can never get it quite as golden as she wants it to be. 

“Have you told anybody else yet?”

“God, no!” The idea of ever telling anybody who is not Katya freaks Trixie out.

“Me neither. But I think I’m gonna come out to my parents soon.”

Trixie should have seen that coming. Katya doesn’t even know  _ what _ to come out as yet, but she’s already barging ahead.

“How do you think that’ll go?”

“Oh, they’ll come around to it like they did with the hair.” Ever since summer camp three years ago when Trixie had cut off her long hair, Katya had not only kept it short, but once her parents had accepted their fate and the fact that they couldn’t make Katya change her mind anyway, Katya has it cut short at a barber shop every six weeks. First she had gone to the local salon, but Katya had hated how much styling products they had put in and how worried everybody was that she still look  _ girly.  _ So the next time me she had gone to the barber, who had told her he didn't know how to do girl's hair and she'd sat down and said, “Good.”

Soon their conversation dwindles and a look at Trixie's alarm clock, the face glowing in the dark, lets her know it's already past 2 am.

“I have to go to bed.”

“Me too,” Katya says and yawns. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” They both know Trixie isn’t thanking her for the promise to call soon.

“What for? You’re my best friend and my favorite lesbian,” she says with a grin, Trixie is sure of it. She can’t help but smile too. It’s the first time she’s heard that word said not with disgust or mockery, but with love and pride.

*

A sense of alarm immediately sets in when Trixie sees she has five missed calls from Katya. The sandwich she bought at the little shop at the corner lies forgotten on the table as Trixie calls her back, nervously pacing back and forth in the break room.

“Trixie!”

“What happened? Are you okay?” Trixie presses out, gripping the phone hard.

“Why wouldn’t I… oh! Oh yeah, I’m fine, I just have good news!” Katya says excitedly

The worry falls off Trixie and she sits down. “God, don’t do that to me again!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t think about that at all, but listen! Have you found a new roommate yet?”

“No.” She hasn’t, because she hasn’t started looking. Bob is moving next week and the rent is definitely too much for Trixie to be able to pay on her own for more than maybe three months. But the idea of putting an ad out always makes her sad and something childish in her rears its little head, stomps its foot and says ‘I don’t wanna!’

“Great!” Katya almost yells into the phone in her excitement. “Because I’m going to be your new roommate!”

“What?”

“I got offered a job in LA and it’s for a charity and it doesn’t pay as well as my current job, but they do really great work and it’s  _ perfect  _ for my skill set and it’s a manager position so it’ll look great on my resume. I only have a one month notice period here and a bunch of vacation days saved up so in two weeks I’ll be done with this shit hole and I can start the new job next month.” Katya keeps rattling off details about her new job and how well the phone and skype interviews went, until Trixie interrupts her.

“You’re gonna move here. You’re  _ actually  _ gonna move here!”

“Yes, bitch!”

Trixie screams. After all these years they get to finally be in the same city, get to casually hang out, go to the movies or go shopping together. It seems too good to be true.

“So can I move in with you?” Katya asks.

“Yes, of course, oh my god!”

Katya laughs and Trixie joins in, not because either of them said anything funny, just because she doesn't know what else to do with her joy.

“I believe I just single-handedly solved all your problems.” Katya sounds smug as she says it.

“By following my advice!” Trixie points out. 

She can't believe she'll get to have these conversations with Katya in her own home soon. She’s giddy for the rest of her workday and just shrugs when Alyssa asks, “What’s gotten into you, girly?” with a smile. On the way home she gets stuck in traffic and even that can’t put a real damper on her mood. 

“What happened?” Bob asks somewhat suspiciously from the couch when Trixie gets home and greets her cheerfully. She drops down next to Bob.

“Katya is moving to LA!”

“Oh my god, seriously?”

“Yes! So the roommate problem is solved.” Obviously Trixie’s happiness extends further than the roommate problem, but she genuinely is relieved she won’t have to live with some random person who found her ad online.

“And you can finally live in lesbian bliss, adopt some cats or do whatever the hell it is lesbians do,” Bob says with a grin and Trixie sighs. This again. They’ve had this conversation so many times. 

“We’re just friends, you know that.”

“Do I? Because she seems to be the only girl you can actually stand to be around for longer than about two weeks,” Bob says with raised brows.

“I've been around you a lot longer too and I'm starting to regret it,” Trixie deadpans. “I've known her forever, I could never even think about her like that!”

Bob looks unimpressed. “Then why have you stopped going on dates ever since her ex ended it with her?”

Whatever Trixie was about to say, she suddenly can't remember it. That can't be true. Sure, she has stopped the string of terrible first dates she used to go on a few months back, but that's because it was getting too depressing and humiliating. When she thinks about it she realizes the time she decided to quit Tinder does line up with Katya finding herself unexpectedly single again, but that's a coincidence. She doesn't have a chance to tell Bob that because she's leaving the room with a look on her face that couldn't more clearly say 'I told you so!’

*

It’s Trixie’s first college party and she can’t believe how out of place she feels. It shouldn’t be like this, these people are Katya’s friends after all, they should all get on great. But instead they’re all skinny and cool and have their hair dyed in bright colors. With her country accent, wide hips and Barbie hair she’s sticking out like a sore thumb. 

She had so looked forward to these three days she was going to spend with Katya in Boston and now she’s worried that if those are the people Katya spends her time with, they won’t have all that much to talk about for the rest of the weekend. 

They’re apparently all art students, which is weird because Katya isn’t, she studies something to do with media, Trixie can never remember what it's called exactly. They talk about people Trixie has never heard of in a way that makes it obvious they know she’s never heard of them. When someone asks what she does and she says she’s working at a makeup counter but that she’s trying to get into acting school next year, they all look at her the way you’d look at a child that’s told you they're going to be a dinosaur when they grow up. Trixie wants to go home.

Katya, who had been outside to smoke, finds her in a terrible mood. Not even she can cheer Trixie up right now, she’s not used to the sight of her with her new buzzed off hair, that’s only about half an inch long. She had screamed when she’d seen it first, Katya picking her up at the bus with a huge grin, causing people to turn around to them, trying to find out what the noise was about.

“Oh my god, we get it, you’re a lesbian.” The short hair had been surprisingly soft when Trixie had run her fingers over Katya’s head. 

She knows it’s stupid and that of course they’ve both changed since they were 13, but she’s so worried that this is no longer her Katya. Not the Katya was ever  _ her  _ Katya, but still. Now she’s gone off to college and she’s moved into an apartment she shares with three other people and Trixie is still stuck in Wisconsin, still in her old bedroom in her parents house, with the hideous mint-green walls that she had insisted she wanted when she was 11 and the paint had been the cheapest. Katya has always been the smart one, the one with bright prospects and a plan for the future. 

Now she’s looking at Trixie with furrowed brows and grabs her by the upper arms with both hands.

“What’s wrong? You look like you’re going to be sick.” She sounds unmistakably worried and a petty little voice inside Trixie says ‘Good!' even though she knows it’s childish. “Do you want to go home? We can just go if you want,” Katya offers and Trixie can tell she means it.

She  _ does _ want to go. But she’s also too proud to let these snobs see her leave with her tail between her legs like that. So instead she shakes her head and raises her chin.

“No, I want a drink.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Katya looks unconvinced.

“I didn’t come here to make smart decisions,” Trixie says with a big fake grin and Katya smiles back, still with worry in her eyes. 

Drinking is where Trixie has an advantage. Not only is she fat, she’s from the midwest and she’s no longer going to care what these condescending art people think of her. Her mood improves a lot when the buzz of the alcohol starts setting in and she stops listening to the conversation around her and just dances. A few brave souls try to keep up with her drinking, but soon they’re completely smashed while Trixie still has full control of her limbs and makes good use of that. Katya stays by her side for the rest of the night. At some point her face smooths out, the worry disappearing, and she has a couple of drinks herself. By the time they leave she is at least as drunk as Trixie, if not more, even though she’s only had a fraction of what Trixie has downed. 

They walk from the bus stop to Katya’s place with their arms around the other’s waist, to steady each other and themselves. It’s the worst possible way to walk up the narrow staircase, but they manage. Inside the apartment they head straight to Katya’s room, somewhere along the way pulling off their shoes and leaving them lying in the hallway. Katya lets herself drop down onto the mattress she has on the floor. It’s probably further than she had thought because she lands with an ‘oof’, making Trixie laugh and then Katya is laughing too and they don’t even know what they’re laughing at.

Haphazardly they pull off their clothes and while Trixie puts on her pyjamas Katya doesn't bother, just climbs under the covers in her underwear and Trixie has to nudge her to make room for her. Lying in the dark that close together Trixie has to think back to them at 13, having been assigned the same tent at camp, their sleeping bags next to each other. She is just about to drift off to sleep when Katya's voice makes her open her eyes again.

“Did you have a good time?”

Trixie knows she wouldn't ask if she didn't really want to know.

“At the end I did.” They haven't closed the curtains and through the window orange light falls across Katya's face. Her eyes are bright, surrounded by her dark smudged makeup. Trixie realizes she didn't take off hers either and thinks she's going to break out horribly tomorrow.

“I promise they're all nice people, they just need some time to warm up to others,” Katya explains and Trixie snorts.

“Sure.” Katya frowns at her. “Of course they're nice to you, but not to somebody like me.” 

“What do you mean, somebody like you?” 

It's sweet that Katya doesn't think they're that different. Katya has been talking about all the things she could study for as long as they've known each other and Trixie knows her parents are paying most things for her. In Trixie's family going to college is not expected and if she wants to make it, she knows she'll have to somehow make it work on her own. Katya doesn't think about others like that, partly because she's genuinely a good person who doesn't judge anyone, but also because she doesn't  _ have  _ to think about it like Trixie does.

“They obviously think they're better than me, Katya. I'm not educated like them, I'm from the country and I look nothing like them.”

“That's not true! I know they can come across a bit condescending,” Trixie thinks it proves her point that that's how Katya talks when she's drunk, “but they're not gonna think worse of you for, I don't know, wearing pink and doing makeup.” 

Trixie doesn't want to argue with her so she leaves it be.

“They were all checking you out when you were dancing,” Katya says with a grin and Trixie feels a smile tugging on the corners of her mouth.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, I  _ am _ hot,” Trixie says matter-of-factly.

“You are! And you're smart and funny and kind!” 

Katya looks at her with a surprising intensity for a drunk person. Trixie doesn't need her to build up her confidence, but it's still very nice of her.

“Oh my god, why don't you marry me if you think I'm so great?”

Katya laughs. “Maybe I should.” Then she plants a wet kiss on Trixie's cheek. They fall asleep with Katya's head still on Trixie's shoulder.

*

Katya had arrived with two large suitcases and Trixie had screamed as soon as she had set eyes on her friend. After a tight hug and standing in everybody's way for a few minutes they had taken off and piled Katya’s luggage onto the backseat of Trixie’s car. Katya had sent her one large box with personal stuff last week, that is standing unopened in the mostly empty bedroom that is now Katya’s. Apparently her entire life fits into that box and her two suitcases. 

Now they’re sitting on the sofa, Katya with her feet up on the coffee table since Trixie has stretched out and is taking up most of the space on the couch, both of them nursing a bottle of beer. Katya hasn’t unpacked yet, her new wardrobe still in the flatpack, just like all the other furniture she ordered from IKEA. The only thing she’s still missing is a mattress and they’ve decided that they’re taking care of that tomorrow. Tonight she can share with Trixie.

For now the conversation has quieted down, but it's a comfortable silence. Except there is something that’s been on Trixie’s mind for months now and that she can't shake. They still haven't really talked about Katya's break-up and they never  _ not _ talk about things. Trixie stretches out her leg, pokes Katya’s thigh with her big toe and breaks the silence.

“You never really told me why Sarah broke it off.”

Katya sighs. She doesn’t look at Trixie, instead takes a sip of her beer.

“She felt like I wasn’t committed to  _ us _ .” The way she says it lets Trixie know those had been Sarah’s words, not Katya’s.

She can feel her own face pull itself into a disbelieving frown. “What? That’s ridiculous! You were together for over two years!”

Katya shrugs and Trixie can tell she’s trying hard to keep her face neutral. “I know.” Then she looks at Trixie with uncertainty before quietly saying, “She asked me to move in her with her and I said no.”

Trixie doesn’t know what to say to that. She gets it, both that Katya had always said she values her space and not having to deal with a partner’s expectations 24/7, but also that after that amount of time Sarah had thought it was time to take the next step. Having that question answered with a no means there’s no way back, no chance they could go back to how things were after being rejected like that. 

“She should have known you would say no.”

Katya takes another swig from her bottle. “Maybe.” She peels back the edges of the label, deep in thought. “I’ve been thinking that maybe… maybe this was her way out. Her justification. That she  _ did _ know and this way she could blame it on me.” The label has come off enough that Katya can grip the edge and she starts pulling the paper off. It rips soundlessly, soggy with condensed water. “Or maybe she just doesn’t know me as well as you do.”

Again Trixie presses her toes against Katya’s thigh, this time as a gesture of affection and comfort, and gets a small smile in return. Then Katya turns away again, focusing on the beer bottle in her hands.

“Actually, you came up in that discussion,” she admits.

“I did?”

“Sarah said that I wouldn’t have said no if you had asked me to move in with you.” She barks out a laugh without humor, looking around the apartment. “Guess she was right.”

“Yes, but we're different,” Trixie says with a frown. Them becoming roommates and asking your girlfriend to move in together are completely separate things. She remembers the one time she had actually met Sarah and the way she had eyed Trixie warily and continued to have one hand touching Katya at all times for the rest of the day. “Do you think she was jealous?”

“Of you?” Trixie nods. “I don't know. Maybe. I think in the end it was about what I couldn't give her.”

Katya looks heartbroken and Trixie can't tell if it's because of Sarah or because she thinks she's lacking, not good enough to make a woman happy. The thought has been eating at Trixie since Katya admitted being unhappy where she was in her life a while ago, but she doesn't know how she could possibly convince her otherwise. Or at least just stop her from being so sad.

“Did you love her?” Trixie surprises herself with that question. She's never asked Katya that before and she looks at her with wide eyes, seemingly stunned.

“I… in a way. It's not that simple, Trix.” She runs a hand through her short hair, leaving it sticking up in odd places. Something like annoyance rises up in Trixie and she doesn't quite know where it's coming from.

“Well, do you love me?” she asks, like it's a challenge.

“Yes, of course I do!” There is no doubt in Katya's voice or her eyes as she says it, but she looks confused and maybe a little angry. “What does that have to do with anything? That's totally different.”

“That was simple, right? Of course it's different, but it's always been easy. And I don't… I don't think that it's ever meant to be hard.” She takes a sip of her own beer while trying to come up with a way to say what she wants to say without it hurting Katya. “I think if after all this time you can't even tell me if you loved her or not, you didn't, really. That doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you weren't the right person to make her happy. And I don't think she made you happy either.” Trixie swings her legs down so she can scooch across the couch and pull Katya close with one arm. She doesn't resist, instead nestles her head underneath Trixie's chin. “But I have no doubt that you will find the right person and you will make her happy, just like she'll make you happy.”

For a moment they're both quiet and Trixie would be worried she's overstepped her boundaries if Katya didn't put one arm around her as well.

“You know what makes me happy?” she finally asks. Then she puts on her heaviest Bostonian accent and a weird voice Trixie is already familiar with and absolutely hates and she says, “Your giant fuckin’ tits in my face, ya fuckin’ bitch.”

Trixie screams and pushes her away. “ Oh my god! You're awful and I hate you.”

Katya cackles, her eyes bright, and at least for now the sadness is gone. The moment is broken when the doorbell rings and Katya insists on getting their pizza.

“You've already done so much for me,” she says with a dismissive wave of her hand while digging through her backpack for her wallet with the other.

Trixie can’t really comprehend that Katya is here now, and that she’s here to stay. It still feels like one of their visits over the years, spending a few days with each other. It hasn’t set in yet, that this is Katya’s home now, as well as Trixie’s.

“What?” Katya asks as Trixie grins at her over her pizza.

“Welcome home,” she says and Katya breaks into a grin as well.

*

“Ooh, this one's amazing!” Katya wiggles around on the mattress, getting comfortable, and when she lies down next to her, Trixie has to agree. It's definitely a lot nicer than the mattress on her bed, that they've been sharing for the past five nights. They had meant to go mattress shopping earlier, but there was just a lot to do. Trixie had to work and Katya insisted she needed a second opinion before purchasing something as adult as a mattress. At least all the other furniture in her room is assembled by now.

Trixie looks around for the price and when she finds it she immediately gets up. 

“Nope, you could buy a car with that money. Up you get!” She reaches out, waiting for Katya to take her hand and let herself be pulled up, but Katya stays where she is.

“But Trixie! It would be an investment in my health!”

Now she gets why Katya said she needed supervision for this. “You don't spend any more time in bed than necessary, you wouldn't even appreciate this properly.” 

Katya is the kind of person who gets out of bed the second she wakes up and she always wakes up disgustingly early. Trixie likes to lie in bed in the morning and scroll through Instagram, taking her time whenever she has it. This has already led to Katya getting up first in the morning, showering and then making coffee, bringing Trixie a cup while she's still in bed. Two days ago she even managed to squeeze in her yoga routine before Trixie had set a foot out of bed.

“That's fair,” Katya agrees and gets up. The next one they lie down on Trixie checks the price first and deems it reasonable. 

“Hmm, I don't know. It's not bad.” Katya sounds unconvinced by herself and looks at Trixie, but before she can give her opinion a sales assistant shows up in her view upside down, hanging his head over the headboard.

“Can I help you ladies?” he asks with the smile of a man set on making a sale. Trixie recognizes it from her makeup counter days.

“We need a mattress,” Katya says unnecessarily and Trixie gives her a look. 

“Well, you've come to the right place, then!” 

Katya chuckles politely. Trixie thinks he's trying too hard.

“Right, how is this one feeling to you?”

“I'm not sure. Trix?”

“It's way too soft for me.” She sits up with difficulty, having completely sunk into the mattress.

“She is very soft, let me find you something else.” 

If Trixie had any doubts about him being gay, calling a mattress 'she’ certainly got rid of them. They try out three more mattresses with Steve, as his name tag says, on their heels.

“How is this one?” Steve asks again, then lowers his voice, as if he's letting them in on a secret. “This is actually the one my boyfriend and I have and it's very sturdy, if you know what I mean.” He finishes with a wink and Katya laughs. Trixie on the other hand gets slightly irritated. She does know what he means and she didn't need to know that. 

“It's still too soft for me, but I'm heavier than you. You have to know if you like it.” She says it directly to Katya, ignoring Steve.

“I'm sure we can find something you're both absolutely happy with.”

Trixie gets up and shrugs. “It's not like I'm gonna be sleeping on it anyway.”

Steve looks confused. “What do you mean?” 

“It's her mattress, it doesn't have to be right for me,” Trixie explains, not understanding what the problem is right now. After a moment of silence his eyes widen.

“Oh my god, I thought you were shopping for  _ your  _ mattress!” He points at Trixie and then at Katya. Then it dawns on Trixie why he made that comment about him and his boyfriend earlier.

“God, no! We're roommates!” Katya says. “She's just here for a second opinion. And because she has a car.” 

Steve gives them a calculating look. “I think I've got the right thing, then.” He turns around and walks off, not checking if they're following him. He finally stops in front of a mattress and looks very pleased with himself. 

“Go on, test it!”

“Oh, that's good!” Katya groans as soon as she lies down. “Trixie, you gotta try it!” 

She does as she's told and sighs as she stretches out. “Oh my god, it really is.”

Steve looks unbelievably smug as he says, “It's a little bit above your price limit, but I think it's totally worth it.” 

He rattles off a list of details that Trixie doesn't really listen to, instead she finds the price tag. It's not as expensive as she thought it would be, but it's still a lot. Katya leans over her to get a look at it as well. 

“Oof,” is all she says before looking at Trixie questioningly. “What do you think?”

“I mean, it's a lot of money, but it's not, like, ridiculous.” 

A grin starts spreading on Katya's face. “So I can get it?”

“It's your money.”

“Thanks, Mom!” Katya cackles and gets up, Trixie following suit.

“So it's a yes?” Steve asks.

“Yes, Steve, you did it!” Katya confirms with a grin. 

Shortly after that, Steve, still insufferably smug, helps them load the rolled up mattress into Trixie's car and they’re on their way home.

As soon as it's on Katya's bed they both lie down again. 

“You gotta give it to Steve, this is a damn good mattress.” Katya stretches like a cat, her shirt riding up, and flops back down. 

“Can you believe he thought we were dating?”

“Well, we were two lesbians shopping for a mattress together,” Katya points out. 

“True.” 

Trixie thinks of Bob and all of her comments about Katya and her. She still does an hour later when she’s cooking dinner for them. Of course they’re close, they have been since the day they met and since then Katya has been the person she could always rely on. Nobody makes Trixie laugh like she does and nobody else knows exactly when she needs a shoulder to cry on or somebody to listen while she works through her thoughts and feelings. They have a bond and nothing and nobody has ever come between that. Not being on different sides of the country, no girlfriends, no horrible dates. Katya’s opinion is the only one Trixie has ever truly cared about and knowing that all she has to do to hear it now is go into the other room makes warmth spread in her belly. 

They’re best friends and Trixie should be able to enjoy that they finally get to spend time together and eat dinner together, watch TV together and go about their day together. That’s all she’s wanted for so long and now all she can hear in her head is Bob calling Katya her ‘lesbian life partner’ and pointing out that Trixie stopped going on dates when Katya was single again. But that’s only because she realized she didn’t need these people in her life and now that Katya is here she has everything she wants anyway.

Her eyes focus on her empty hand as the spoon she was stirring their dinner with hits the kitchen floor.  _ Now that Katya is here she has everything she wants anyway. _

She doesn’t want a girlfriend anymore because she has Katya. Because she  _ wants Katya _ . Trixie has never thought about her romantically, how could she, when they’ve practically grown up together? But this is more than just being happy her friend moved in with her. 

It’s like the floodgates in her brain have opened and suddenly she sees the 15 years of their friendship with a new clarity. She thinks about how she’d gotten home from summer camp and had begged her mom to let her dye her hair blonde and how she only managed it two years later, doing it herself in the bathroom, the bleach bought with the first money she made from her summer job, and being disappointed she couldn’t get it the warm golden shade of Katya’s hair. She thinks about realizing she liked girls and her first thought being what Katya would think and then the relief she had felt when Katya had been right there with her while she was figuring it all out, as well as the uncomfortable feeling when she imagined Katya kissing nameless girls. She thinks of the shoebox in her closet that nobody knows about, with all the letters Katya had ever sent her, even when they both got email addresses, but Katya said she liked writing letters and putting effort into talking to Trixie. 

There is no denying what’s going on anymore. She doesn’t just see Katya as a friend, probably never has, but has always hid behind them being  _ best friends _ . Because that definitely explains why she’s always felt differently about her than all of her other friends. And why she’s never been able to keep another girl around. And why she’s always secretly thought that Sarah wasn’t good enough for Katya. In her mind she replays some of the moments they’ve shared over the years, like Katya’s confession of kissing a girl for the first time, but suddenly the girl she’s kissing is 16-year-old Trixie, chubby, with bad skin, and in her sister’s old clothes, and her stomach is filled with butterflies. She thinks of that college party and how they danced drunkenly and how it would have been to pull Katya close, their hips flush, and make out with her in front of all her pretentious art friends, before stumbling home together and sleeping pressed together in Katya’s bed, the way they did, but as girlfriends. 

Trixie has been in love with Katya since before she even knew what that meant. The brief moment of elation is quickly crushed by the knowledge that their friendship as she knew it is over. She can’t keep going as if nothing has happened, even though nothing  _ has _ happened. But living in the same apartment as Katya when she knows what she now knows seems impossible and it wouldn’t be fair to Katya either. 

There is no way Katya feels the same way. If she did she would have said something,  _ done _ something about it. Trixie is just grateful that she apparently hasn’t figured out how Trixie feels before she did herself, she couldn’t live with that humiliation. She needs to do something, put a stop to all of this for both their sakes.

Before Trixie can even begin to come up with a plan Katya walks in and stops when she sees Trixie standing in front of the stove unmoving, the spoon still lying at her feet.

“You okay there?” she asks with a grin. 

Trixie looks at her as if she's seeing her for the first time, even though there is no other face she is as familiar with as Katya's. But suddenly Trixie wants to trace her high cheekbones with her fingertips, kiss along her square jaw and see her bright eyes close as she relishes Trixie’s touch. 

“We can’t live together.” It’s the only thing Trixie can do. It’s the only way she can make this right and not take advantage of Katya.

Katya is still smiling as she asks, “What are you talking about? Is this about me using your razor to shave my legs?”

“Katya, I’m serious.” Trixie shakes her head a little, as if she’s trying to shake her thoughts into order. “I can’t live with you. It wouldn’t be fair to you, not when I’m--” She can’t bring herself to finish the sentence.

All mirth has disappeared from Katya’s face. Instead she looks worried, takes a step towards Trixie and without making the decision to do so, Trixie steps back until her butt hits the counter. It only makes Katya look more concerned.

“I have no idea what’s happening right now.” Her eyes are big as they’re searching Trixie’s face for answers.

“It’s you! It’s always been you!” She knows she’s not making any sense to Katya, but she doesn’t know how to say it. Her eyes are starting to fill with tears and Trixie tries to blink them away. As they spill over and run down her cheeks, Katya is directly in front of her, gently touching her arm.

“Trix, you’re scaring me right now. I need you to talk to me.” She keeps rubbing her arm, waiting for Trixie to swallow the lump in her throat and start explaining.

For a second Trixie thinks about making something up, some reason why she can't live with Katya that saves her the embarrassment of admitting that suddenly she can't look at her without her heartbeat speeding up, but there's no way she could come up with anything plausible right now and since coming out to her she has never lied to Katya. Instead she sniffles and takes a deep breath.

“I just realized that I… that I want more out of this relationship than you've agreed to and it wouldn't be okay of me to not give you the option to leave.” Katya’s hand on her arm stills, but stays where it is. “And I don't think I can be around you right now.” Trixie sees her own hurt mirrored in Katya's eyes and yet she still stays where she is.

“What are you saying?” Katya asks quietly. She's so close that Trixie can smell her deodorant. 

“You know what I'm saying.”

Katya doesn't say anything to that, but suddenly her face comes closer and Trixie closes her eyes.

“Don't.”

“Why not?”

“Not if you don't mean it.” A hand brushes the hair out of Trixie's face, then tucks it behind her ear and Trixie's eyes flutter open again.

“And what if I do mean it?” Katya looks calm in a way that Trixie has rarely ever seen.

“Do you?” Surely Katya must have misunderstood, there is no way she likes Trixie too. She has never said anything.

Katya rolls her eyes, but at the same time she smiles. “I wouldn't be asking if I didn't.”

Trixie's heart is beating so hard in her chest that she thinks Katya must feel it too. Her entire world seems to be completely flipped for the second time in ten minutes. Trixie bites her lip. She’s still not fully convinced they’re on the same page, but she isn’t a good enough person to stop Katya again. “Okay.”

Katya's smile gets wider and then she's pushing herself up and closing the distance between them. They kiss gently, without hesitation and without rush. 

Trixie opens her eyes slowly and Katya is still there right in front of her, her hands warm on Trixie's arm, looking up at her with a smile. She's still the same Katya she was this morning and Trixie is still the same as well, but now it feels like she put on glasses and everything about them has come into focus without her having to try.

“I mean it,” she says and Trixie can't help but grin. Katya kissed her. Katya wanted to kiss her. If she hadn’t been sure she wouldn’t have done that to Trixie, so that can only mean that she shares Trixie’s feelings. 

“How long have you known?”

Confusion takes over Katya's face before it becomes shock. “Oh shit!” She reaches around Trixie and turns off the stove where their dinner is completely burnt, Trixie realizes with a small laugh. She can smell it now, too. Katya leans against the counter with her hand, leaving her arm around Trixie's waist and her body almost pressed against Trixie's front. They look at their ruined stir-fry and then at each other and start laughing. Then Trixie leans down and presses her lips against Katya’s again. 

“How long have you known?”, she repeats more quietly.

“Since my first night here,” Katya says. “It was what you said about how it’s not supposed to be hard and that with us it’s always been easy. And then you hugged me and said I just needed to find the right person and it was like a light turned on in my head, because I already had.” 

Trixie grins. It sounds exactly like the revelation she had not even an hour ago. Then she lightly slaps Katya’s arm. “You figured it out and didn’t say anything?”

“I didn’t wanna ruin everything! I wanted to think through what to do about it or if I should do anything about it at all.” After a moment of silence she adds, “ I can’t believe you immediately did something without thinking it through, that’s usually my thing.” Still grinning she kisses Trixie once more. “So we’re really doing this?” she asks then and it’s nice to know that Trixie isn’t the only one who needs reassurance in this.

She realizes that neither of them has really said it and grins. She’s not going to make it easy for Katya. “Do what?”

“Oh my god!” Katya leans her head against Trixie’s shoulder for a moment and then looks at her with exasperation. She then clears her throat, steps back a little and takes Trixie’s hand in hers. “Trixie Mattel, will you please be my girlfriend?” Her voice is grand and put-on, but Trixie can see in her face the question is no less real. She can’t hold back anymore and envelops Katya in a tight hug.

“Of course I will!”

* 

The smell of fresh coffee surrounds Trixie as she wakes up, well rested in a way she hasn’t felt in a long time. A kiss is pressed to her temple and she slowly opens her eyes with a smile. Katya is setting Trixie’s cup of coffee down on the bedside table.

“Morning!”

Trixie only hums in reply, still not fully awake. Instead of bustling out of the room again, as Katya has done in the last few days, she clambers over Trixie to the other side of the bed and sits down on the covers cross-legged, before grabbing her own coffee mug from the table on her side. 

“Did you sleep well?”

Trixie stretches and sighs. “I slept absolutely great!”

“I know, right? This is the best thing I’ve ever bought,” Katya says and pats the mattress. Last night they did have a brief moment of uncertainty about whether or not they should sleep together and if so in which bed. In the end Katya had pointed out how stupid they were being and that she had a fancy new mattress and wanted to sleep on it with her girlfriend, so that’s exactly what they did. It’s all they did, even though Katya had made a terrible joke about “breaking it in”, but Trixie feels like there is no rush. Their time together is no longer limited and they can take it as slow as they want. Realistically that’s probably not going to be all that slow, since Trixie starts absent-mindedly stroking Katya’s naked thigh where her sleep shirt doesn’t cover it. 

“Oh my god!” Katya says suddenly with her eyes wide and her mouth open.

“What?”

“I think Steve sold us this so we’d get together,” she explains with excitement.

Trixie snorts. “He may be a decent salesman, but he’s not  _ that _ good.”

“No, I’m serious! He found the perfect mattress for both of us after we told him that it didn’t need to be right for you. He was trying to set us up!” She raises her coffee mug, as if for a toast. “Thanks, Steve!” she says into the room with her voice slightly raised.

Trixie laughs and shifts until she can rest her head on Katya’s thigh and immediately one of her hands starts playing with Trixie’s hair. She doesn’t believe in the magic matchmaking powers of Steve any more than she believes in fate. What Trixie believes is that she’s stupidly lucky, that life never turns out the way you think it will and that things have a way of just working themselves out if you let them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! It would truly make me happy if you left me a comment here or a message over on tumblr, where you can find me at [connyhascontrol](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/).


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